Archive | April 4, 2011

Learning to Trust; Rebuilding what was

 

TRUST

–noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
6. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
7. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone’s trust.
 
—Synonyms
1. certainty, belief, faith. Trust, assurance, confidence  
 

Are you trustworthy?

I consider myself to be a very trusting individual…   Entrusting my thoughts, words and self to those around me is something I pride myself in.  My word is my word, my feelings are my feelings and I am just me, take it for what it’s worth. 

 As with many of you, I’ve experienced the pain and disappointment that comes along with someone who has broken your trust. Whether it be a friend, a significant other/spouse, family member or co-worker, it’s never easy.  It doesn’t hurt any less.  It does get any easier to deal with no matter how many times trust is broken.  Each leaves behind a scar where the once open wound  has long since healed, but leaves you guarded. Giving your trust to someone; entrusting your thoughts, words, emotions and self with someone you care about is no easy task. 

Confidences broken.  Infidelities.  Untruths. 

None of which are better than the other.  Each taking their toll in lives of those around me or in my own personal life.

How many of you have been lied to?  How many of you have told someone something in confidence only to find out the confidence was broken?  How many of you have been in a relationship/marriage and found out that your spouse is being unfaithful or untrustworthy?  Sadly a good many of us have experienced one, two or all three of these situations.  It saddens my heart to know that such situations occur as often as they do these days.

I’ve had friends that have been dishonest;  I’ve been in relationships where the fella’s been unfaithful or deceitful; I’ve had confidences broken with family members.  None have been easy to deal with or accept.  Each have taught me something and have helped me to grow, learning a bit more about myself and those I choose to surround myself with.

 Unfortunately, in dealing with these indiscretions I’ve had difficulty regaining my trust in those individuals, doubting, wondering and questioning all that transpires in our interactions thereafter; Many times leading to an a futile parting of ways or treading of water/walking on egg shells in future dealings.   More frustrating still is when that broken trust subsequently leads to my having trust issues with other individuals who were not even in the picture during the time the trust was broken. 

I’ve seen so many that are close to me be affected by the breaking of trust… many of which who have struggled or are struggling to repair the damage that is done.  Sometimes it is fixable if both parties are willing to put forth the effort; other times the cut is too deep to repair.  Friendships worn thin, marriages in despair, families in dispute.  None are pretty pictures.  All have a chance for healing if you put forth time, patience, honesty, understanding, committment, love and forgiveness.  

For those of you out there that are learning to trust again and longing to heal the wound that was left behind, I share these words with you as I continue to learn to trust again.  For me it’s an ongoing process… One that I’m pretty happy with if I do say so myself.  It all starts with trusting in yourself.

Time & Patience

Patience is a virtue...

Trust can be broken in a matter of seconds but regaining trust and learning to trust takes time.  Time to accept what transpired; time to focus on what needs to be addressed; time to learn how to trust again; time to process it all; time to take it all in. You may be ready to forgive and forget, but the other may not.  Just as you may not be ready to move on or move forward yet.  Patience IS a virtue.  You can’t regain trust over night… don’t give up on it; work at it and pray on it.  Be patient.

Honesty & Understanding

Honesty IS always the best policy even if you don’t like what you hear.  I would much rather someone be honest with me than tell me what they think I want to hear.  Let’s face it; the truth hurts.  It’s not always easy to hear that someone doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do them or that someone doesn’t agree with a decision you’ve made or a path you’ve chosen.  I’d rather be told the truth than some B.S. line of crap.  Seriously people, be honest.  It’s the right thing to do.  Be honest.  Also, have the decency to talk to the person.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Call them up, stop and see them.  Don’t skirt about the topic and speak to everyone else about it.  If you have a problem ADDRESS it!  Don’t avoid it.  Don’t disrespect someone’s feelings when they’re telling you how they feel or how your actions made them feel.  We are each entitled to our feelings, regardless of what your intentions were.  Your actions and words affect those you surround yourself with.  Try to be understanding of other’s thoughts and words.  TRY to understand where they are coming from.  You don’t have to agree, but try to understand.

Committment

If it’s worth fixing you’ve gotta be committed.  Committed to each other and starting new if you have to.  Be committed to yourself and what you want or need to be happy and whole.  Be committed to your spouse, friend or family member… be committed to rebuilding the bond that was broken. 

Love

love one another as I have loved you...

Really there is no greater gift than to love another… excepting being loved in return and moreover loving of yourself.  From friend, family, spouse or significant other; Loving of each other unconditionally is what makes us as a species so beautiful… We have the ability to appreciate and cherish the love of others and of ourselves.  You’ve got to love yourself fully in order to share of yourself wholly.

Forgiveness 

This is the tricky part.  If you think you can look past the infidelities, the dishonesty, the mistrust… can you forgive?  I am not asking you to forget because chances are you won’t be able to forget what transpired.  Earning back the trust of a loved one or trusting that their word is their word is up to you. 

If you’ve patience enough to work on all the above and ironed out all the wrinkles in time and mistrust, coming to an understanding of where you each stand, each being committed to starting anew and loving of each other unconditionally then to me it sounds as if you should be able to forgive.  At some point forgiveness follows trust.  Once you have regained trust in yourself and of another, you can then forgive  for their indiscretions.  Sometimes it takes forgiving of yourself for your wrong doings.  Sometimes it takes trusting yourself enough to know what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong.  Understanding that we are only human and we do make mistakes, some just more significant than others, is a great step to take.

FAITH

Have faith in yourself.  Have faith in those you love.  Have faith in the One above.  Have faith that good things do happen.  Have faith that marriages can last.  Have faith that a good friend will be there for you no matter what or how long it’s been.  Have faith that everything begins and ends with family.  Have faith and all will come together in the end.

 Have you had to learn to trust someone again?  What was the hardest part to deal with?

 For me I have tried on several occasions with each having different outcomes.  With some trust was rebuilt and regained while others proved to be untrustworthy time and time again.  I’m just living and learning as I go. 

This topic for this post was one of last week’s topics for the Post a Day Challenge.

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