Tag Archive | emotions

A taste of bizarre and a pinky promise.

 

I was in the middle of writing a post on my phone when I decided I was going to save it for the night and continue tomorrow.  What’s one more night, right?

Before exiting out of the Android WP app, I decided to take a peek at my stats.  I don’t really check too often, as I’ve not been posting much this year and recently I’ve had a good chunk of readers unsubscribe all together.  (Leaving me with a twinge of disappointment but really I can’t blame anyone as I’ve not been writing!)

Anyways… so I look at my stats…. and my mouth drops.

I AM CONFUSED…

Today I had the highest numbers of views EVER.  Higher than when I was posting every day even…. Huh?!?!  Wow.

And to make it even more perplexing it was a post written last October entitled:

Trick or Treat!!! Good things happen to those who wait!

(click the title if you’d like to take a read)

Not sure why that post was the gold mine today, but it brought more readers to my blog in one day than I’ve ever imagined strolling through.  There’s nothing in it that holds strong significance to the day today from what I wrote last year… I mean I did get some pretty awesome news the day I wrote that post… Some very much-needed awesome news after a stretch of stress and uncertainty.  But, I just don’t get why so many peeps made the trek to my blog today… to that post…

Don’t get me wrong… It’s not a bad post in my opinion; I mean it has pictures of 3 of the nephews in it so I mean, come on?  Of course I like it. BUT, in comparison to some of my other posts, I’m just plain out baffled at how or why this happened.

Nevertheless… I am grateful to all that stopped by today. So thanks!  And I sure hope you come back again.

Even more grateful to the friends who’ve stuck it out and have read from the very beginning… over TWO years now!  (That’s how bad I am this year… I didn’t even do a happy 2nd birthday blog post… 😦  )   I PROMISE… you won’t regret sticking with it.  I WILL BE BACK SOONER RATHER THAN LATER…

That’s a PROMISE !

If you don’t already subscribe, go on… do it already.

 

Loves to you my loves.

 

 

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The Right Fit For Me?

Arise too early; wake too late

laughter and love, anger and hate

 

upfront and honest; lie and sneak

Open your eyes; don’t dare peek

 

too big; too small

too short; too tall

too strong; too weak

too bold, too meek

 

Much too heavy; far too light

remain calm and collected; put up a fight

 

use your words, bite your tongue

far too old; much too young

 

tell me all, I don’t want to know

come here fast; go away slow

 

adore the beginning; fathom the end

keep enemies close; lose touch with friends

 

nightmares linger, wishing dreams to stay

live to dream, dream to play

 

Through every second, the search continues … the right moments; the right choices, the right people, the right things.

 

Instead I’ll just treasure each moment of everyday

Finding the right fit me.

 

 

As always,

Megan

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Cranky Cloud

It’s following me, I swear.

Doesn’t matter how much I’ve tried recently.

 

This last week especially, the cloud of crankiness seems to be directly overhead and won’t move on.

I’ve caught up on sleep. I’ve had some fun with friends and family. I’ve downloaded some new tunes. I’ve even taken to organizing my nail polish collection again.

I’m just cranky. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

It’s a beautiful day out… what I planned on working on outside isn’t cooperating.

I’m just cranky.  Ask anyone. Well, maybe anyone but me unless you enjoy having your head bitten off.

Perhaps I just got up on the wrong side of the bed again… I dunno.

Perhaps it’s the culmination of spreading myself too thin over time… I dunno.

Perhaps it’s the repetitious let down of persons not holding true to their word… I dunno.

Perhaps I’m just cranky for no reason whatsoever… i dunno, but more than likely that’s not the case.

All I know is I’m just cranky.

Any second now, it will be gone.  I must say, that I will not be sad to bid the cranky cloud a due.

So… I suppose all I can do is ride the storm out with the cranky cloud hanging overhead. It’s gotta move on at some point right?

I sure hope so because this cranky crap doesn’t suit me. Not at all. Not in the least.

My original plan of action for the day may have been hi-jinxed by Mr. C. Cloud himself, but I’m giving in to the beauty of the day… Donned in a tank top, shorts and flip-flops… Laptop, folding chair, sketch pad and popsicles en tow.

Where am I headed you should ask? Not the beach… not a pool…. Just  the grassy patch of lawn right next to my parking lot. Off to enjoy some me time in the sun.  Hoping this is just the ticket I need to get off the cranky train!

Just in case though, maybe I could use some help from you my friends, from far and wide? What would you do to shake the crankiness out? Any words to scare the cloud away?

As always,

Megan

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Have You Ever?

Have you ever wished you could read someone’s mind to find out exactly what they’re thinking? When you just want an answer to a question or an explanation for an action and you get no response… when you just can’t tell what’s what and what’s going on… when you think you have a good handle on things & are unexpectedly proven otherwise.

Have you ever wished you could take your words back having said too much or the completely wrong thing? Realizing all too late that words can & do hurt… understanding that some don’t or won’t quite get what you mean no matter how you say it because they just won’t hear you…

Have you ever said too little? Holding back your true thoughts & opinions only later to ponder that those words you chose NOT to share could have made a difference …

Have you ever taken a chance only to regret the choice you made? Thinking what if I didn’t or what if I hadn’t?

Have you ever been envious of another? Wanting or wishing you have what they possess or an opportunity they’ve been presented?

Have you ever wished for and wanted something for as long as you can remember only to realize that not having it has left you better off without it? While you may not necessarily understand the how’s and the why’s of the matter, the realization arises that where you are now, with what you have, is exactly where you’re meant to be.

Have you ever shown gratitude for all that you have, all that you are and who you have become? Paying respect to those that have helped you along the way… giving props when props are due…

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by the goodness in those you chose to surround yourself with?  Each bringing something amazingly unique into your life… adding joy, offering support, showering with love.

Have you ever thought about the sheer wonder of your waking up to another beautiful day?  Rejoicing in the fact that you have another chance to make it a wonderful day…

Have you ever considered just how fortunate you are to have a roof over your head & food on your table?

Have you ever wondered where you will be in 5 years? 10? 20?

Out of the things I’ve learned along the way, what ifs and have you evers arise often.  Moving forward in life, looking ahead,  not behind you yet taking with you all that’s been etched into your being; carved into your heart, mind and soul… the trust you’ve gained and respect you’ve earned.

Wish not, want not for what you don’t have; be gracious and give thanks for all that you do.

I choose to live my life by WHAT IS not WHAT IF…

Closing a chapter

I like to think I have the best of intentions on most days.  I make lists of all kinds to plan out what needs done at home and work… to do lists, crafty lists, must do lists and “the list” to name a few…The point of the lists is to get organized…. make a plan… attack items on said lists… then cross items off the list.

The problem is with so many lists… it can be hard to keep track of what needs done.  SO then in an effort to prioritize I make a new list.  Pulling items from each of my lists and working from there.  The trouble is, for every one item I cross off of one list, another 10 pops up.

I don’t know about you, but for me there’s always a couple of things that you COULD do on your list but just keep shuffling them down further on the priority line.  Things that you have to do, but really just don’t wanna do…

I FINALLY got to cross one of these off of my at home “must-do” list!  I cleaned out my storage closet in the basement!  Oh, the bins I went through and the things I found…. my cabbage patch kid, named Gwendolyn Merlina ( who was ever so stylish in red tights and a white, pink and yellow dress)…. my porcelain ballet shoes my grandma got me when my lifelong dream was becoming a ballerina… odds and ends and tons more… I got rid of ALOT of stuff…. notes that friends wrote me in elementary school… “love” letters from my college boyfriend… cards from birthdays…. I organized some of my Christmas decorations…. Oh, the CRAP I decided to hang on to!  What was I thinking???

THEN, I moved on to my teaching stash…. I kept putting it off!

HOLY MOLY did I still have a lot! Supplies, manipulatives, decorations, resources… All of which I made or purchased out-of-pocket because I wanted to.  I LOVED decorating my classroom.  Ask anyone I worked with, my walls were covered from floor to ceiling… windows were decorated… hallways not to be left out either.  Everything had a learning purpose… Sorting through and remembering… sorting through and deciding…

It was time to get rid and make room.  So, I bit the proverbial bullet and decided it was time to sell my teaching goodies.

Bulletin board pieces….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

handmade bits and pieces

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

borders

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

resources and much much more….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remembered where things hung in my room… I remembered when I bought certain things… I remembered that A certain student bought me a gift card that I purchased certain supplies with…  It is honestly amazing to me that I can still remember such things, yet I have to think two or three times to remember if I turned my hair straightener off in the morning….  Bizarre isn’t it?!  Anyways…..  

I was generally ok going through everything…

Until I got to my huge stash of children’s books…  the books that I read to the kids each and every day.  My good books, that weren’t in the lending library or book bin.  These were my GOOD books. Oh the memories, that came flooding over…

There are certain books that remind me of certain students… or there were certain books that I LOVED reading to the kids… and there were the books that the kids ALWAYS wanted me to read to the point that I was flat out sick and tired of them….

It’s funny how a lifelong dream can change… that your goals in life and where you end up don’t always align in a way that you understand.  In the last several weeks, I’ve been asked if I plan on returning to teaching … if I miss working with the kids.

The answers are no… and yes.  

Yea, I know… right?  Who would have thought my answer to the first question would be no.  For nearly as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to do was teach.  I loved every single minute I spent in the classroom with my students.  They are what I miss about the field…. not the school systems.

It was an incredibly hard decision for me initially… as was going through my teaching stuff.  But the fact of the matter is… I have so many incredible memories of my time with the kiddos… and their families… and many fellow teachers….  There was no point of holding on to all this “STUFF.”  That’s all it was …. it was stuff.  I still have the memories.  I still have the notes from grateful parents… and appreciative kids…

I know, that for a period of time in my life, parents entrusted me, lil ‘ol me, with the education and future of their most precious gifts.   How lucky was I?!  What an incredible gift they gave to me!  I am fortunate to have had those experiences thanks to none other than myself and those students and their families.  I am thankful for those memories.  I am thankful I was able to share those precious teachable moments with those kiddos…  Those are things that I will ALWAYS have no matter the job I hold.  I am happy with the mark I left in the education world while I was in it… I am even happier to know that to some, I made a difference.

But now, I am happy to be cleaning out the “closet”… Closing a chapter in this awesome book I call my life.

In the mean time… Yea, you know all those children’s books?  Not a chance in the world I’m parting ways with those!  Those bins will be staying put… no doubt about it. 🙂

 

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Getting Back In the Swing Of Things

Home from work, comfy clothes on, dinner already in my tummy, cozy on the couch settling in to watch Grey’s Anatomy.

Happily taking only one pill tonight instead of 4 different pills daily, multiple times a day, as I had been doing for almost 2 weeks straight.

I went to the doctor’s office Tuesday and was overjoyed by the removal of the ridiculously awful stent…

I am very happy to announce that all is right in the world of my left kidney again now that sucker is outta there. You can rest easy my friends, I no longer wanna scream or cry when I pee. 🙂 I know, a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders now that you’ve gotten an update on my bathrooming habits.  I promise to keep my mentioning of it here in the immediate future. 🙂

With the beast removed, I was FINALLY able to go back to work after having missed more days than I wanted. I would be lying if I told you I was looking forward to going back. Having only been in this new position on my own for a week and a half prior to the stones rocking my world I was already behind… then after missing a week and a half… holy loads of work to be piled up just waiting for me.

The only consolation being that if I was able to return to work that would then mean I’d be feeling better. I was beyond ready to start feeling better.

So after the appointment, several self-motivating pep talks, good luck wishes from family & friends and some “bring me to my happy place” music, I headed on over to jump back in to work.

I wasn’t even halfway through the door when I got slammed…

… with big smiles and welcome backs… how are yous and hugs…

Before I was even able to drop off my purse, bag & coat at my desk, I was stopped & sidetracked over and over…

…not by issues or problems but by co-workers offering help, touching base on progress & inquiries of my well-being.

I was backed up and taken care of and helped and supported the whole time I was out… and that help has continued well into this week as I’m getting back into the swing of things.

It’s not been an easy week by any means … there have been hiccups along the way but my days were made all that much easier by the pitching in and support I’ve received from my co-workers.

After having only worked here for several months, I couldn’t have been made to feel more welcome than I was upon my return. I was made to feel like I belonged there even though my background doesn’t necessarily say that I do.

You know that saying “Everything happens for a reason” that I heard more times than I ever wanted to in the month after I lost my job? The one that made me want to punch something every time I heard it, even if I was the one repeating it to myself.

 

But I know deep down it is the truth… everything does happen for a reason. I am being challenged on a daily basis, learning scrupulous amounts of information and basically starting over… not many people get that opportunity. Plus, I now have pretty awesome insurance … something I didn’t have in the past. Everything happens for a reason… even if it’s not immediately apparent.  Even if you have to go through a bunch of nonsensical crap you can’t even make heads or tails of.  EVERYTHING does happen for a reason.

So there you have it… one more day left in this work week remains. I’m pretty sure it’ll be a long one and that’s just fine by me.

Health-wise I’ve got a few more bridges to cross… but for now, the immediate is remedied.

Thanks for your get-well wishes… you’ve helped me along the way…

Getting back to normal a little at a time…

I think it’s safe to say I’m working on getting back into the swing of things… Pretty darn happy to be doing so if I don’t say so myself.

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I got married!!!!

Do you Megan, take the, Heating Pad to be your lawfully wedded partner? In sickness & health, in good times and bad, for richer for poorer as long as you both shall live?

Well, at least for the last 10 days I’ve been married to my heating pad… and my couch… and DVD player… and pain pills…

I’m sorry you never got the invitation for this beauteous occasion…. Please don’t hold it against me.  You really didn’t miss much of a party at all. 🙂

And guess what?! It’s been no honey moon….

The whirlwind romance nightmare began one Wednesday night about a week and a half ago when I was awoken by a sweet kiss on the cheek from the hot fella sharing my pillow   the stabbing pain in my side and lower back.

You know that nagging ex boyfriend that keeps popping back into your life at the most inopportune times? The one that you just can’t seem to get rid of and continues to cause you ridiculous amounts of pain? That what this visit was like except that the nagging pain was not that of an ex-boy friend & certainly not as celebratory as a wedding … it was none other than that of my arch nemesis and relentless visitors that have long wore out their welcome.

Kidney stones

These rocks and I are no strangers.  We’ve had a well-documented, torrid love affair hate-hate relationship for about a year now. And up until this point, I was the clear winner in not letting the pesky bastards knock me down.  I didn’t have insurance so I dealt with it the best I could, waiting it out and passing em through. Passed one at work, kept on working. Passed one in the morning, went to boyfriend’s house that night. I did all I could do. Ibuprofen, heating pad, and drink water, water and more water. Couldn’t go arunning to the doctors everytime I had em… so I sucked it up & dealt with it.

Until that Wednesday night a week and a half ago that is… there was no ignoring the hurting. Up all night unable to get comfortable. Little did I know that would begin my marriage to the Heating Pad for the next 10 days (and counting)…

No sleep was had… not a wink. I wouldn’t have complained had it been that non-existant hot guy sharing the pillow with me keeping me awake all night. Just sayin’…

By noon on Thursday afternoon I was hurting bad enough to go to MedExpress… x-rays & blood work and sent home with pain pills that ended up not even touching the pain. The x-ray showed two stones in my right kidney. ..hmmmmm, my pain was on the left side… Proving to be a rocky marriage from the get go.

By 11:00 PM Thursday night I could barely stand and started heaving into the porcelain throne for the next 3 hours… I then decided it was time to call in the reinforcements… the MOH MOM.

I didn’t wanna do it. I tried REALLY hard to wait until a more acceptable hour to put the call in to her but it just wasn’t getting any better.

You know it was damn bad when I decided it was time to go to the ER… boo!

After what seemed like the world’s longest 12 mile drive to the hospital we were greeted by the non-sparkly and less than cheerful lady at the check in window… the one who as I am hurling into the garbage can I had in tow is looking on annoyedly at the fact that she needed to get my personal info and I was clearly indisposed at that exact moment.

She was a true peach, let me tell ya.

Luckily though, the next bunch of peoples I interacted with through out my eternally brief stay at the hospital were far more pleasant and peachy.

Oh to be pricked and prodded while puking is a precious experience lemme tell ya… IV meds which didn’t work, CT scan, x-rays and blood work … more IV meds that didn’t work… sent home with pain pills that didn’t work.

The lil sister called with results of the CT & such. It seems as if my insides were in stating a rebellion on me at the ripe old age of 33 without even consulting me before hand.

The CT scan showed one 8mm stone on my left side… that was the beast that was kicking the crap outta me…Literally!  Oh and remember above when I said the x-ray at MedExpress showed 2 stones on the right side?  Guess what?  It lied!  There were in fact 2 stones in my right kidney.  What it didn’t show, that the CT shed some light on was that there were 8 more stones in addition to the 2 seen in the x-ray.  Yea, 11 freaking rocks in my body.  PLUS a cyst on one of my ovaries and fibroids on my uterus.  Yes, I know, I know, I am divulging a whole lotta information on you that some may find “inappropriate for sharing” in such a forum, but these sorts of things happen when you don’t go to get your stuff checked out regularly… I hadn’t gone to the doctor for more years that I care to admit because I did not have health insurance.  Thankfully, now I do and everything will be covered…. My point is though, even if you don’t have insurance, get your butt to a clinic or something.  It does your body no good to let things go…  Get your butt to the doctors!  Now!  Don’t put it off.  Sorry, for my digression…

back to the monster stone… Made an appointment at the urologist’s office for Tuesday because of the holiday. Happy Freakin’ New Year to me… It ROCKED.  (Ha ha ha… I clearly crack myself up.  Or maybe I’ve just cracked.  The verdict is still out on that.)    So this left me to hang in there with the pain until then… with pain pills that didn’t do a darn thing.  Sooooooooo….. that left me with the Heating Pad.  Fast forward through a coupla days of becoming one with my couch and said heating pad and pain pills…

I find myself at the urologist office on Tuesday having to pee in a cup on demand for at least the 4th time in as many days.  I think I should have started charging for each cup filled… 100 bucks a pop.  Then I’d at least have a good start on getting that MAC I want!  The Physician’s Assistant proceeded to tell me just how big my rock was and that was going to be the focus of our meeting.  Basically after blubbering about how much I was hurting and how crappy I’d felt for days, the wonderful urologist SQUEEZED me in for surgery that afternoon.

AGHHHHHHH!!!! Surgery?!  Well…. technically some may not classify it as surgery due to the lack of any actual incision.  BUT, I absolutely considered this surgery.  I was being knocked out… I’ve never had any sort of anything done to me before besides IV’s for meds in the ER.  No surgery for anything.  I was a basket case.

Ureteroscopy, stone extraction, lithotripsy and placement of a stent.

I arrived at the hospital 2 hours early exactly as instructed thanks to the MOM.  Immediately the “preparations” began.  I had to sign papers, put one of those LOVELY hospital gowns on with the opening in the BACK (what is up with that?!  Always the opening goes to the back… Fine, if you wanna look at my fat butt, go right ahead, you sicko! 😉 ), and those silly uni-foot slipper socks ( you know the ones that don’t have a designated front or back… super cool).  And guess what, I had to pee in a cup again!  Another $100 I coulda had towards the MAC…

Blood drawn, IV’s in and confirming my name and what surgery I was having about 150 times, the MOM came back to wait with me… Waiting… But as I was pricked and prodded and just wanting to get the show on the road, I was fortunate to have the comedic entertainment of a 70+ old man directly across the hall from me.  He was apparently in to get a new battery as he stated about 151 times.  At first I found him a bit entertaining… then my eyes got a surprise they were NOT expecting and still haven’t recovered from since.  I just didn’t have words… except for asking mom to close the curtain to my “room” because I had seen and experienced enough…  ** Imagine… hospital gown… on 70+ old man… instructions to be completely naked underneath… his complete lack of modesty and laying SPREAD EAGLE on his bed… I think he knew exactly what he was doing…  NOT what I wanted to see.  Just sayin’**

People in and outta my room, introduced to me but I don’t remember who was who or what was what… As one was behind me and another in front rolling me on the hospital bed to the OR they tried making small talk.  Asking about my job.  Told them it was new.  Asked about my old job.  Told ’em what I used to do… Asked where it was… told ’em where it was… Asked about the people I used to work for… Told ’em to kiss my butt (well not really but pretty close to it)… REALLY?!  Right before I go into surgery those people are the ABSOLUTE LAST that I care to speak about, ever.  let alone as I’m being wheeled in for surgery.  THANK GOD, they gave me the stuff that was putting me to sleep right then and there or I may have flipped out.  The last thing I remember was someone asking if it was ok for them to put my legs up in the stirrups… LADIES, you know how awesome that it.  Thankfully though, I don’t even remember anything occurring.  Were my legs up there?  I dunno?

I woke up in recovery… all sorts of groggy and hurting… More pain meds… some water… and several hours later I was home.

I wish, I could tell you that I felt 100% better at that point.  But, nope…. I cannot.

It seems that the stent that was put in could either be your best friend or your worst enemy… Guess which it has been for me?!?  WORST ENEMY.

Hurts all the time.  And when I hafta go “drain the hose” as you fellas call it…  HOLY CRAP… I can’t even describe to you the pain the follows.  Thank you for stabbing me in the back… no seriously, thank you.  I enjoy tears running down my face and feeling like I’m gonna hurl every time I have to pee.

And since I’ve first started experiencing kidney stones, I’ve heard from many, many people that the pain associated with these rocks lodged inside of me is supposedly WAY worse than child labor.  To that, I say, BRING ON THE KIDS.  When the time comes, I’ll have not a problem in the world pushing ’em out.  Score for me!

And sooooooo… over a week after this damn marriage to the heating pad started… not even a week after the surgery… I WANT A DIVORCE. Not from my heating pad… but my kidneys… or this stent… Happily knowing that on Tuesday, my wish will be granted… the stent will be gone!  Woo Hoo!

As for my other issues such as the 10 other stones and cyst and fibroid and crappy blood work… the ball will now be rolling on what is what and why it is.  On the road to getting better, I am so very thankful for every second of every day that my heating pad hasn’t crapped out on me just yet.

For those of you that have shown and shared concern for me, I thank you… For the get well tweets, texts, phone calls, offers to run errands, Facebook messages and shout outs, I thank you and appreciate them more than you know.

It’s been a ROCKY road and ROCKY start to the new year, but here’s to hoping that 2012 can only get better from here, right?!

Much love to you in 2012 my friends…

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