Tag Archive | hardships

Teaching an old dog new tricks

It really can happen.  It isn’t always all that difficult either.

Sometimes it just takes a forceful push out of one’s comfort zone  directly into new territory that does the trick.

Seriously … you really can teach an old dog new tricks. The proof is in the pudding and I’m the pudding!

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In need of a bubble… pronto.

I’ve decided it’s an absolute necessity that I investigate the possibility of acquiring a bubble. I seriously need to do some research.

Between unruly kidneys, pains, headaches… and my own 2 left feet; a protective bubble sounds all the more inviting.

I brought in the new year with a bang… kidney stones the size of boulders. Uretoroscopy, lithotripsy, a stent. A literal pain in the $#%&. ( well more like pain in the back and hoo hoo 😉  )  Since then I’ve had to do a couple of collections.   Continue reading

I got married!!!!

Do you Megan, take the, Heating Pad to be your lawfully wedded partner? In sickness & health, in good times and bad, for richer for poorer as long as you both shall live?

Well, at least for the last 10 days I’ve been married to my heating pad… and my couch… and DVD player… and pain pills…

I’m sorry you never got the invitation for this beauteous occasion…. Please don’t hold it against me.  You really didn’t miss much of a party at all. 🙂

And guess what?! It’s been no honey moon….

The whirlwind romance nightmare began one Wednesday night about a week and a half ago when I was awoken by a sweet kiss on the cheek from the hot fella sharing my pillow   the stabbing pain in my side and lower back.

You know that nagging ex boyfriend that keeps popping back into your life at the most inopportune times? The one that you just can’t seem to get rid of and continues to cause you ridiculous amounts of pain? That what this visit was like except that the nagging pain was not that of an ex-boy friend & certainly not as celebratory as a wedding … it was none other than that of my arch nemesis and relentless visitors that have long wore out their welcome.

Kidney stones

These rocks and I are no strangers.  We’ve had a well-documented, torrid love affair hate-hate relationship for about a year now. And up until this point, I was the clear winner in not letting the pesky bastards knock me down.  I didn’t have insurance so I dealt with it the best I could, waiting it out and passing em through. Passed one at work, kept on working. Passed one in the morning, went to boyfriend’s house that night. I did all I could do. Ibuprofen, heating pad, and drink water, water and more water. Couldn’t go arunning to the doctors everytime I had em… so I sucked it up & dealt with it.

Until that Wednesday night a week and a half ago that is… there was no ignoring the hurting. Up all night unable to get comfortable. Little did I know that would begin my marriage to the Heating Pad for the next 10 days (and counting)…

No sleep was had… not a wink. I wouldn’t have complained had it been that non-existant hot guy sharing the pillow with me keeping me awake all night. Just sayin’…

By noon on Thursday afternoon I was hurting bad enough to go to MedExpress… x-rays & blood work and sent home with pain pills that ended up not even touching the pain. The x-ray showed two stones in my right kidney. ..hmmmmm, my pain was on the left side… Proving to be a rocky marriage from the get go.

By 11:00 PM Thursday night I could barely stand and started heaving into the porcelain throne for the next 3 hours… I then decided it was time to call in the reinforcements… the MOH MOM.

I didn’t wanna do it. I tried REALLY hard to wait until a more acceptable hour to put the call in to her but it just wasn’t getting any better.

You know it was damn bad when I decided it was time to go to the ER… boo!

After what seemed like the world’s longest 12 mile drive to the hospital we were greeted by the non-sparkly and less than cheerful lady at the check in window… the one who as I am hurling into the garbage can I had in tow is looking on annoyedly at the fact that she needed to get my personal info and I was clearly indisposed at that exact moment.

She was a true peach, let me tell ya.

Luckily though, the next bunch of peoples I interacted with through out my eternally brief stay at the hospital were far more pleasant and peachy.

Oh to be pricked and prodded while puking is a precious experience lemme tell ya… IV meds which didn’t work, CT scan, x-rays and blood work … more IV meds that didn’t work… sent home with pain pills that didn’t work.

The lil sister called with results of the CT & such. It seems as if my insides were in stating a rebellion on me at the ripe old age of 33 without even consulting me before hand.

The CT scan showed one 8mm stone on my left side… that was the beast that was kicking the crap outta me…Literally!  Oh and remember above when I said the x-ray at MedExpress showed 2 stones on the right side?  Guess what?  It lied!  There were in fact 2 stones in my right kidney.  What it didn’t show, that the CT shed some light on was that there were 8 more stones in addition to the 2 seen in the x-ray.  Yea, 11 freaking rocks in my body.  PLUS a cyst on one of my ovaries and fibroids on my uterus.  Yes, I know, I know, I am divulging a whole lotta information on you that some may find “inappropriate for sharing” in such a forum, but these sorts of things happen when you don’t go to get your stuff checked out regularly… I hadn’t gone to the doctor for more years that I care to admit because I did not have health insurance.  Thankfully, now I do and everything will be covered…. My point is though, even if you don’t have insurance, get your butt to a clinic or something.  It does your body no good to let things go…  Get your butt to the doctors!  Now!  Don’t put it off.  Sorry, for my digression…

back to the monster stone… Made an appointment at the urologist’s office for Tuesday because of the holiday. Happy Freakin’ New Year to me… It ROCKED.  (Ha ha ha… I clearly crack myself up.  Or maybe I’ve just cracked.  The verdict is still out on that.)    So this left me to hang in there with the pain until then… with pain pills that didn’t do a darn thing.  Sooooooooo….. that left me with the Heating Pad.  Fast forward through a coupla days of becoming one with my couch and said heating pad and pain pills…

I find myself at the urologist office on Tuesday having to pee in a cup on demand for at least the 4th time in as many days.  I think I should have started charging for each cup filled… 100 bucks a pop.  Then I’d at least have a good start on getting that MAC I want!  The Physician’s Assistant proceeded to tell me just how big my rock was and that was going to be the focus of our meeting.  Basically after blubbering about how much I was hurting and how crappy I’d felt for days, the wonderful urologist SQUEEZED me in for surgery that afternoon.

AGHHHHHHH!!!! Surgery?!  Well…. technically some may not classify it as surgery due to the lack of any actual incision.  BUT, I absolutely considered this surgery.  I was being knocked out… I’ve never had any sort of anything done to me before besides IV’s for meds in the ER.  No surgery for anything.  I was a basket case.

Ureteroscopy, stone extraction, lithotripsy and placement of a stent.

I arrived at the hospital 2 hours early exactly as instructed thanks to the MOM.  Immediately the “preparations” began.  I had to sign papers, put one of those LOVELY hospital gowns on with the opening in the BACK (what is up with that?!  Always the opening goes to the back… Fine, if you wanna look at my fat butt, go right ahead, you sicko! 😉 ), and those silly uni-foot slipper socks ( you know the ones that don’t have a designated front or back… super cool).  And guess what, I had to pee in a cup again!  Another $100 I coulda had towards the MAC…

Blood drawn, IV’s in and confirming my name and what surgery I was having about 150 times, the MOM came back to wait with me… Waiting… But as I was pricked and prodded and just wanting to get the show on the road, I was fortunate to have the comedic entertainment of a 70+ old man directly across the hall from me.  He was apparently in to get a new battery as he stated about 151 times.  At first I found him a bit entertaining… then my eyes got a surprise they were NOT expecting and still haven’t recovered from since.  I just didn’t have words… except for asking mom to close the curtain to my “room” because I had seen and experienced enough…  ** Imagine… hospital gown… on 70+ old man… instructions to be completely naked underneath… his complete lack of modesty and laying SPREAD EAGLE on his bed… I think he knew exactly what he was doing…  NOT what I wanted to see.  Just sayin’**

People in and outta my room, introduced to me but I don’t remember who was who or what was what… As one was behind me and another in front rolling me on the hospital bed to the OR they tried making small talk.  Asking about my job.  Told them it was new.  Asked about my old job.  Told ’em what I used to do… Asked where it was… told ’em where it was… Asked about the people I used to work for… Told ’em to kiss my butt (well not really but pretty close to it)… REALLY?!  Right before I go into surgery those people are the ABSOLUTE LAST that I care to speak about, ever.  let alone as I’m being wheeled in for surgery.  THANK GOD, they gave me the stuff that was putting me to sleep right then and there or I may have flipped out.  The last thing I remember was someone asking if it was ok for them to put my legs up in the stirrups… LADIES, you know how awesome that it.  Thankfully though, I don’t even remember anything occurring.  Were my legs up there?  I dunno?

I woke up in recovery… all sorts of groggy and hurting… More pain meds… some water… and several hours later I was home.

I wish, I could tell you that I felt 100% better at that point.  But, nope…. I cannot.

It seems that the stent that was put in could either be your best friend or your worst enemy… Guess which it has been for me?!?  WORST ENEMY.

Hurts all the time.  And when I hafta go “drain the hose” as you fellas call it…  HOLY CRAP… I can’t even describe to you the pain the follows.  Thank you for stabbing me in the back… no seriously, thank you.  I enjoy tears running down my face and feeling like I’m gonna hurl every time I have to pee.

And since I’ve first started experiencing kidney stones, I’ve heard from many, many people that the pain associated with these rocks lodged inside of me is supposedly WAY worse than child labor.  To that, I say, BRING ON THE KIDS.  When the time comes, I’ll have not a problem in the world pushing ’em out.  Score for me!

And sooooooo… over a week after this damn marriage to the heating pad started… not even a week after the surgery… I WANT A DIVORCE. Not from my heating pad… but my kidneys… or this stent… Happily knowing that on Tuesday, my wish will be granted… the stent will be gone!  Woo Hoo!

As for my other issues such as the 10 other stones and cyst and fibroid and crappy blood work… the ball will now be rolling on what is what and why it is.  On the road to getting better, I am so very thankful for every second of every day that my heating pad hasn’t crapped out on me just yet.

For those of you that have shown and shared concern for me, I thank you… For the get well tweets, texts, phone calls, offers to run errands, Facebook messages and shout outs, I thank you and appreciate them more than you know.

It’s been a ROCKY road and ROCKY start to the new year, but here’s to hoping that 2012 can only get better from here, right?!

Much love to you in 2012 my friends…

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Through the Looking Glass

Life is quite an adventure isn’t it?!

Some days it is a smooth sailing ride while others are up and down and all around crazy.

Writing for me has been the perfect way to document both sorts of days and every other kind in between.  From milestones to heartaches to celebrations and the mundane everyday goings on, writing it out just helps…helps me to deal; helps me to remember.  Some times I blog once a week; sometimes it’s twice a week; there was a time where I was posting each and every day and also a time where I only did one or two posts in an entire month.

Regardless of the frequency, I’ve shared my stories, my thoughts, my nonsense and my opinions… I’ve babbled on about my loves in the music world just as much as my loves in my family… I’ve sought encouragement and vented anger… I’ve jumped up and down in excitement in sharing some occasions with you as well.  It is quite a fun ride… even if I include the crummy days, because lets face it… I am here.

Which way to go what to do?!

With all that has gone on recently such as welcoming my newest nephew into the world, attending several concerts, losing my job, breaking the nicotine habit and spending time with friends  and family I find myself reflecting on all avenues of my life thus far and the road ahead which is somewhat unknown.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be an outside observer in your own life?  To kinda step out of your skin and take watch of your world around you.

OR

Have you ever sat back and looked over decisions you’ve made and wish that you could change the outcome? Or have you ever revisited a situation in your past that you once felt VERY strongly about and find that years later your opinion on the matter is completely opposite than your original stance was?

Those questions my friends really make me think…

It is good to revisit situations and circumstances from the past and reflect on them retrospectively; taking from each pieces and tidbits of lessons learned. Yes, the past is the past but there is ALWAYS an opportunity to learn from the past in hopes of continual growth in the future. AND there are somethings that are just better off being left in the past…

The best I can relate it is to Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass…

Looking through the glass

Alice went on a pretty incredible unknown adventure.  Was she scared?  unsure?  a bit confused, puzzled and perplexed?  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.  BUT there were signs and clues along the way.  She took a leap of faith and followed those hints, unsure of where they’d lead her.  It was an incredible journey.  I find myself really relating to Alice these days.

So now, I sit here “looking through the glass” of my adventures so far; Adventures that have been documented through my writings here and writings I have not yet shared with you;  some of which are from 10 or more years ago.

I don’t fully believe the adage, “hind sight is 20/20.”  As with each bump or blessing that occurs I am truly beginning to believe that EVERYTHING in life really DOES happen for a reason, even if it is not immediately in sight. Looking back on the past (places, events and people) I still don’t have clear outlooks on many situations.  I’ve come to the realization as my 33rd birthday approaches next Thursday that it’s okay NOT to understand… It’s okay to NOT know the answers.  THAT is the journey

Looking through the glass on the different “versions” of me that have emerged throughout the years, made visible through my writing is showing me more about myself than I thought it would.  THROUGH the looking-glass I can appreciate ALL that has occurred and all that has changed.

I am the same person as I was some 15 years ago when I started writing… perhaps though;  I am older, I am getting healthier, I am a bit more seasoned, a bit wiser, and a whole lot stronger.

I am a daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, cousin, friend… I am a writer, crafter, music-lover looking for the right path to take… more accurately when to take that leap of faith.

In the meantime, I’ll continue taking glimpses through the looking-glass and continue on my own little nonsensical path until I find where ever it is I am meant to be.

Have you taken a glimpse lately?!

 

Trouble finding the words…

Most often, I pick up a pen and paper or start pounding away on the keyboard and let everything out.  The words seem to flow, almost to the point of overflowing.

OR….

I find “words of another” that say everything I wanna say but can’t seem to muster up on my own… whether  it be through quotes, verses or music.

But, there are some times in which I am quite simply at a loss for words.

Recently, I was forced to face a situation I never thought I’d have to experience… losing my job.  (Gah!  I shudder when I say that…)  It was a surprise; It was a shock; it rocked my world.

Words ceased to exist….

In my mind I could only think… “It’s not fair.”

SINCE WHEN HAS LIFE EVER BEEN FAIR???

If life was “fair” my parents wouldn’t have lost their first child at such a young age… If life was “fair” my step-dad and many others would still be here with us not watching over from above… If life was “fair” then little girls like Caylee Anthony would still be here… If life was “fair” homelessness wouldn’t be a problem in our society neither would war or cancer.

I could continue to go on, but you know you’ve been there…  saying that something

JUST.ISN’T.FAIR.

As of May of this year, the unemployment rate in the US is at 9.1% according to the Bureau of Labor and Statistics.  Clearly, I am not alone.  Yes, I lost my job… but so have many others. Some that have families to support, some that are individuals such as myself.  The manner in which it happens is different… downsizing, bankruptcy, whether the reason is true or not, or just because it’s time to move in another direction; whatever the reason, it doesn’t make it easier to hear…it doesn’t necessarily sit well.

Here’s the thing though… it’s only been a little over a week and I know that it will be ok.  I am ok.  I will be ok.

I was blessed to have met some amazingly wonderful people through my 8 years there.  Some phenomenal kids and families and terrific co-workers and staff; some of which that have become my friends and will continue to be a part of my life; some that will no longer be a part of my life anymore and I am ok with that too.

What I’ve lacked in words I garnered in emotions… I’ve been through the gamut a few times and back again. From anger, hurt, sadness and betrayal to contentedness, happy, jovial and just plain old okay to numb and disbelief.

Yet, words still escaped me… Trying to describe the roller coaster of emotions just wasn’t possible… at times, it’s still not.  In talking with those closest to me, they too struggled to find the words… Words that would make me feel better, words of encouragement, of support and understanding, of empathy or sympathy.

Usually, I would turn to writing or listening to my music, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Really couldn’t put my finger on any one thing that would make things seem a bit better or help me to channel all the emotions I was feeling.

There were 2 days where I listened to not one song…. I didn’t write one word….

Soooooooo….. NOT…… ME……

Until a very dear friend of mine shared this with me.

I sat at my dining room table… chatting with my friend…listening to this song… tears streaming down my face.

Really?!?  Wait am I waiting for????  This is MY time…. My time to move on to BIGGER and BETTER things.

Which was something I was afraid to do;  if I was honest with myself I would have realized this much sooner.

My words slowly started to return to me…

I then received this song…

The tears began rolling down my face again as I realized these words and the words of the previous song were the exact words that I was searching for and needed to hear.

I am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people… I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of support, love, warmth, prayers, well wishes and listening ears I have been blessed with.  From family and friends in the “here” world to those in my “far” world as well as my blogging friend circle, words can’t express how truly thankful I am to have you in my life.  With your help, I am coming out of this a better person; you’ve helped me to find the words.

I can hold my head high knowing that I’ve done right in my life… I’ve made a difference in people’s lives… I have accomplished many things that I am proud of.  This my friends has just given me a push to do even better things.

Now taking the steps to move on with my life… moving forward into new adventures that promise to be bigger and better than any I’ve ever experienced before.

I received one final song from my friend…

Upon hearing I just sat at my dining room table, shaking my head.
Now, at a loss of words because I had found my words… Or more accurately, my friend GAVE me the words. Everything that I was feeling, thinking, needed to hear and needed to be reminded of were just passed along to me by my friend.

I am reminded that while yes, this situation is not ideal, it could be worse.  I do still have a roof over my head and even if I have to leave my home I do have somewhere else to go.  I do have my health for the most part.  I have family and friends that love me, support me and pick me up when I’m down.

I have people who listen when the words are overflowing…. I have people who love me for who I am not what I do… I have people who believe in me no matter what… I have people who care for and support me in ways that I never thought possible from all over the WORLD (for reals?!?  How cool is that!?!).

I have people that GAVE me the words I was searching for…  For that, I am ever so grateful.

So I am looking forward; no looking back.  The road ahead is sure to be bumpy, but I know that I have the best company at my side and in my heart,  along the way.

I don’t know just yet where I am going or what I’m going to do… (there are a couple promising prospects on the horizon my friends 🙂 )  Yet, I do know that with the support and love of those closest to me and His grace guiding me, I will come outta this on top.

Shaking my head…

Sometimes that’s all you can do…

When something throws you off or a person disappoints you;

When the past crawls outta the woodwork;

When you’re reminded of misguidings and transgressions;

When you think you’ve got things figured out and it all gets mixed up and strewn about by one singular, simple act…

All I can do is shake my head.

Today I was thrown off by someone attempting to enter back in to my life after having treated me in a most immature and disrespectful manner several months ago; Showing no regard for my thoughts, feelings or well being those months ago only for their own.

I am a better person…  I have grown… I am okay… I am me….  

If you don’t appreciate me for that or all that makes me who I am then you don’t deserve a place in my life…

You are a part of my past and that I’m happy to say is just where you’ll stay.

 

All I can do is shake my head…

 

 

Stay tuned…

Two fun and exciting things occurred between yesterday and today…

Actually, I may as well throw in a 3rd while I’m at it!  Posts to come soon I promise!

A hint, a clue and some…

RELIEF!!!