Tag Archive | worry

Trouble finding the words…

Most often, I pick up a pen and paper or start pounding away on the keyboard and let everything out.  The words seem to flow, almost to the point of overflowing.

OR….

I find “words of another” that say everything I wanna say but can’t seem to muster up on my own… whether  it be through quotes, verses or music.

But, there are some times in which I am quite simply at a loss for words.

Recently, I was forced to face a situation I never thought I’d have to experience… losing my job.  (Gah!  I shudder when I say that…)  It was a surprise; It was a shock; it rocked my world.

Words ceased to exist….

In my mind I could only think… “It’s not fair.”

SINCE WHEN HAS LIFE EVER BEEN FAIR???

If life was “fair” my parents wouldn’t have lost their first child at such a young age… If life was “fair” my step-dad and many others would still be here with us not watching over from above… If life was “fair” then little girls like Caylee Anthony would still be here… If life was “fair” homelessness wouldn’t be a problem in our society neither would war or cancer.

I could continue to go on, but you know you’ve been there…  saying that something

JUST.ISN’T.FAIR.

As of May of this year, the unemployment rate in the US is at 9.1% according to the Bureau of Labor and Statistics.  Clearly, I am not alone.  Yes, I lost my job… but so have many others. Some that have families to support, some that are individuals such as myself.  The manner in which it happens is different… downsizing, bankruptcy, whether the reason is true or not, or just because it’s time to move in another direction; whatever the reason, it doesn’t make it easier to hear…it doesn’t necessarily sit well.

Here’s the thing though… it’s only been a little over a week and I know that it will be ok.  I am ok.  I will be ok.

I was blessed to have met some amazingly wonderful people through my 8 years there.  Some phenomenal kids and families and terrific co-workers and staff; some of which that have become my friends and will continue to be a part of my life; some that will no longer be a part of my life anymore and I am ok with that too.

What I’ve lacked in words I garnered in emotions… I’ve been through the gamut a few times and back again. From anger, hurt, sadness and betrayal to contentedness, happy, jovial and just plain old okay to numb and disbelief.

Yet, words still escaped me… Trying to describe the roller coaster of emotions just wasn’t possible… at times, it’s still not.  In talking with those closest to me, they too struggled to find the words… Words that would make me feel better, words of encouragement, of support and understanding, of empathy or sympathy.

Usually, I would turn to writing or listening to my music, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Really couldn’t put my finger on any one thing that would make things seem a bit better or help me to channel all the emotions I was feeling.

There were 2 days where I listened to not one song…. I didn’t write one word….

Soooooooo….. NOT…… ME……

Until a very dear friend of mine shared this with me.

I sat at my dining room table… chatting with my friend…listening to this song… tears streaming down my face.

Really?!?  Wait am I waiting for????  This is MY time…. My time to move on to BIGGER and BETTER things.

Which was something I was afraid to do;  if I was honest with myself I would have realized this much sooner.

My words slowly started to return to me…

I then received this song…

The tears began rolling down my face again as I realized these words and the words of the previous song were the exact words that I was searching for and needed to hear.

I am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people… I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of support, love, warmth, prayers, well wishes and listening ears I have been blessed with.  From family and friends in the “here” world to those in my “far” world as well as my blogging friend circle, words can’t express how truly thankful I am to have you in my life.  With your help, I am coming out of this a better person; you’ve helped me to find the words.

I can hold my head high knowing that I’ve done right in my life… I’ve made a difference in people’s lives… I have accomplished many things that I am proud of.  This my friends has just given me a push to do even better things.

Now taking the steps to move on with my life… moving forward into new adventures that promise to be bigger and better than any I’ve ever experienced before.

I received one final song from my friend…

Upon hearing I just sat at my dining room table, shaking my head.
Now, at a loss of words because I had found my words… Or more accurately, my friend GAVE me the words. Everything that I was feeling, thinking, needed to hear and needed to be reminded of were just passed along to me by my friend.

I am reminded that while yes, this situation is not ideal, it could be worse.  I do still have a roof over my head and even if I have to leave my home I do have somewhere else to go.  I do have my health for the most part.  I have family and friends that love me, support me and pick me up when I’m down.

I have people who listen when the words are overflowing…. I have people who love me for who I am not what I do… I have people who believe in me no matter what… I have people who care for and support me in ways that I never thought possible from all over the WORLD (for reals?!?  How cool is that!?!).

I have people that GAVE me the words I was searching for…  For that, I am ever so grateful.

So I am looking forward; no looking back.  The road ahead is sure to be bumpy, but I know that I have the best company at my side and in my heart,  along the way.

I don’t know just yet where I am going or what I’m going to do… (there are a couple promising prospects on the horizon my friends 🙂 )  Yet, I do know that with the support and love of those closest to me and His grace guiding me, I will come outta this on top.

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Lookin’ for Fun and Feelin’ Groovy!

The first part would be true if the second part were true!  But for the last week, I’ve not quite been feeling too groovy at all actually!

The culprit: KIDNEY STONES

BLEH!!! OUCH!!! YUCK!!!

That’s just putting it mildly!  😉

I’ll spare ya the details but lemme tell ya, they are no fun at all.  I’ve had them several times over the last couple of years and usually gain some relief after about 2 or 3 days.  This time around I am going on a week.

A week of icks, yucks and hurting.  So much so that I sucked it up to go to Med Express on Saturday after the Ethnic and Craft Festival I did (which turned out to be yet another flop…I’ll deal with that in a later post though.).

Basically, after x-rays, blood work, antibiotics and pain pills, I just have to ride out the storm for now.  Nothing was seen in the films they took and all my blood work checked out to be a-okay.  I was SUPER happy to get that call today!

Now, just waiting for the “passing” to occur!  🙂

I’ve done a bit of online research over the last couple of years about causes and prevention and such.  Most talk about the contributions that your diet makes to kidney stone issues.  Oxalates are known to contribute to the formation of kidney stones… Guess what?!  Oxalates are found in many, many things but high levels of oxalates are found in LOTS of healthy foods.  VEGGIES!!!!  FRUITS!!!! Guess who started trying to eat a bit more healthy than I had been in recent months?!?!  That would be this girl… tons of spinach, peppers, carrots, tomatoes, mushrooms, and olives have been HUGE in my recent meals. Hmmmmm.  Other foods that are high in oxalates that I eat a ton of  and/or love are grapes, breakfast cereals (Fiber One Shredded Wheat 😦 ),  potatoes, lots of grains and CHOCOLATE!!! I’ve also seen recommendations to limit your dairy intake too…. What’s left?  Too much protein can lead too other types of kidney stones…

Needless to say, I’ve got some changes to make.  As with any dietary changes, it’s all about moderation.  You’re not going to see me drop chocolate completely… don’t think I could do that!!! I had already began limiting my caffeine consumption due to the kidney issues; I never keep anything other than water to drink at home unless I am having company.

I let myself get stressed and run down which also probably played a role in some way or another.  So, I am gonna try practicing that NO word.  No more craft shows until November; Going to try to limit all the craziness on the weekends and pulling late nights.  Gotta take care of myself!  Who else is gonna do it?  Gotta do it myself…

So as I’m waiting to feel better…. I’m leaning on my friends Simon and Garfunkel, listening to the

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)

Can’t help but feel a little better after hearing it!  🙂

Another of my favorites….

…pUzZlE pIeCeS…

The puzzle…

A mystery that never ceases to amaze and astound.  One ponders the possibilities filled with  loops, swoops and pulls in directions unknown and ever-changing.

Finding all the pieces…

Try as I might, attempting to pinpoint all the pieces in the puzzle of life is exhausting.  Bits ‘n pieces are hiding all throughout.  Some plainly in vision, while others remain tucked deep away where eyes have not seen and ears have not heard. Whether it’s the smallest of your hearts desires or the grandest of life’s adventures each serves a purpose, helping to get you to where you are destined to be in life.

The kicker of the whole thing is that where you think you should be or where you want to be may not necessarily be in your life’s plan.  While you have wants, desires and needs and can control some things in life, the greater scheme of things is not in your control.  How you handle and react to all that is thrown your way is something you have control over.  Remembering that is a challenge for me.

Sometimes I find myself questioning things and wondering what makes people act and react the way they do.  It can be quite perplexing at times…

“Why do bad things happen to good people?”

“Why is it so easy for people to be dishonest?”

“Why would a person be brought into my life only to be taken away for one reason or another?”

“How can a person say meaningful things to you one minute, then act like you don’t exist the next?”

Have I come up with answers to any of these questions?  No, not even close actually. Guess I’ll be left to wonder.

Another aspect is deciphering where you want to be in life versus where you should be.  Deciding which road to take and contemplating paths you’ve already taken.  I know for a fact that one decision I made 9 years ago COMPLETELY and TOTALLY changed the path of my life.  Was it a path for the better?  Honestly, if I could make that choice again, I would ave chosen differently… no doubt about it at all. But the long and short of it is that some good things did happen since I made that choice 9 years ago, some of which probably wouldn’t have happened had I not made that decision.  Unfortunately though, I’m left with a much more negative taste in my mouth regarding taking that path and what subsequently followed over the course of these 9 years.

I’m at a point in my life where trying to find the pieces and putting them together is quite difficult.  Which pieces are the right ones to focus on?  Which path should I chose?  Things that were once promising  are now questionable…leading me to think of different possibilities and options for the future.

All I know right now, it that I am puzzled by the puzzle.  I’m not going to quit trying to figure what’s what and where each piece goes… I just need not to let it consume me. Each piece will fall into place on its own at the guidance out of my control.  It’s in Someone else’s hands.

What ifs???

Maybe it’s because I knew just how much STUFF I have to accomplish in the next two weeks…

Maybe it’s because Sunday was my only “good” day of the weekend…

Maybe it’s because my brain NEVER shuts off…

I dunno.

Last night, I lay in bed wide awake. Physically exhausted.

Double checked, even triple checked my alarm clock to make sure it was set. 

Set out my clothes for the morning, which is something I never do.  When I did in the past, by morning I never quite felt like wearing what I had set out the night before.

Made my MUST-DO list for Monday.  (Still at work now trying to catch up and cross things off by the way!)

Made sure my planner was in my new tote 🙂

All my ducks were in a row still I lay there WIDE AWAKE!  That just drives me BoNkErS! 

Laying down to sleep and all of a sudden I wanna solve all the world’s problems: mine, friends, family, co-workers, students… You name it, I’m thinking about it!

Oddly enough, while laying there almost ready to start counting sheep in hopes of catching some zzz’s Shel Silverstein’s Poem, “Whatif” popped into my head. 

Isn’t that when the Whatifs set in?  When you finally begin to rest after running around all day, when you’re winding down, when you are downright exhausted.

Turning off the whatifs, because “whatif” is just another way of saying worry… and remember my  friends, I am not to worry for about a month still!

  Have a restful sleep my friends…

Hoping tonight the Whatifs stay away from me AND you!

Beautiful Day…

Yep, I said it.  It was a beautiful day…

Rain was pouring down pretty much the entire day.

Wind was blowing and the temperatures were definitely on the chilly side.

Still, it was a beautiful day.

Work was absolutely, wonderfully productive today even though the kiddos were on the “noisy” side.  I think they, just as most of us, are bursting at the seams to get outside and release those winter wiggles they’ve pent-up all season long.

I felt more rested today and didn’t feel under the weather as I did yesterday which could be attributed to hitting the sack on the early side last night… or it could have been the new supplement I started taking this week… The verdict is still out on that!  But if taking a little bit of Bliss helps me out in the day-to-day, I’ll take it!

After work I ran here and there picking up some things for the craft show.  Was SUPER excited to find AMAZING deals on some frames for the craft show!  They are soooooooo pretty and were really reasonably priced which made them even prettier to me 🙂 

What do you think???  

I am personally drawn to black frames... I have 28, yes 28 hanging on my walls or sitting on a shelf in my apartment... I think I have a little bit of a problem! 😛

Love this one…kinda antiquey 😉
***CLEARANCE*** I just love seeing those red clearance stickers 🙂
 
 
I think I bought all that I’ll need for the craft show… Now I just have to get to crafting!!!
 
 
After running errands, stopping home only shortly to grab a bite to eat, I headed to church.
 
 
Today the Lenten season began…leading to the question of what to give up…
 
 
Over the years I have attempted to give up sweets, pop, smoking, fast food, so on and so forth…This year I wanted to do something different.
 
 
So as I sat here last night, cuddled up in bed thinking, pondering, wondering what to do…
 
 
 I settled upon something that I’d never done before… choosing something that for me is probably going to be the most difficult “sacrifice” I can make. 

Giving up my worries.

 Giving them up as most are not in my control.  Worries of the past; worries of my present days and the worries I bear for my future. 
 
 Giving them up into the hands of the One that can answer my worries.  The One that will take my worries in His care…in His time. 
 
 
 That’s the most difficult part to remember…

Not in my time; in His time.

In the long run though, this choice will make me a better person.  If I hold true to it and follow through, my life can and will change. 
 
 
As I have shared before, worrying is a HUGE part of the person I am… at times letting it define me and consume me. 
 
 
That is why… you may think it’s a cop-out or not a true sacrifice… For me I know that it is a necessary decision to be made… again, probably the hardest thing I could choose to go without for the next 46 days.  WHo knows, maybe it will continue further past the 46 days…
 
 
Today was a beautiful day.  I decided to make a choice… a choice that will better myself in the long run.  A choice that will hopefully bring me peace in coming days.
It is a beautiful day.  I hope your day was beautiful too 🙂
 
Did you give anything up for Lent?  What is the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever had to make in your life?

Insecurities…

You know that feeling of exposing yourself?  Sharing of vulnerabilities… weaknesses…insecurities…

I’ve got ’em. Too many to count at times! Pretty sure most of you have had them at one time or another too.

Here’s the thing about insecurities…
*** you can either hide them or you can’t***

***you can let them define you or not***

I’ve been very aware of my insecurities for as long as I can remember…which I guess can also be tied into the WORRYING I have gotten so good at perfecting. I’ve accepted the fact that I am a worrier and have these insecurities. Some however just don’t seem to get it. Seriously, unless you’re a worrier, you probably wont understand to the same degree.

The extremely frustrating aspect of insecurity is that it can interfere with your life…interfering with your actions, words, emotions and choices.

I know there have been MANY times that my insecurities have had a direct effect on various aspects of my life.

EXAMPLES…

  • Whether my writing or other crafty ventures, sharing my “work” was not always quite so easy for me…Still not at times.  The fear of it not being good enough or that others would think differently of it than I intended was enough for me NOT to share it.  I’ve always been extremely hard on myself.  My own approval is at times more trying to ascertain than that of others.  If I don’t think it’s just right, it’s not worth it.  The constant desire to have my work be liked by all drove me NOT to share it at all for a very long time.  At some point within the last year I came to accept the points that a.) not everyone is going to like my “work” and b.) that just because I don’t think it is outstanding doesn’t mean that someone else won’t.  There came a point sometime in the last year, that I let my “ego” go and took a chance at exposing my work and letting my vulnerabilities become visible.  Somehow sharing my work with others has helped me move past SOME of the insecurities I once associated with perfecting my craft.  Remembering that there is no such thing as perfect.  Writing is a process in creating a piece and also the processing of the information there within.  Whomever reads it is entitled to get out of it what they will. 

            As for my other crafty avenue, framed home decor designs…each piece will find a home eventually.  If it’s not my favorite it may become someone elses or on the contrary, my favorite may remain just that.  My point to this section is this…LETTING go  of the worry that “it won’t be liked” does wonders for the soul.  So long as I am writing and creating things that’s what matters.  Not letting the worry of reactions of others consume me and fuel my creativity processes is key…Sharing of myself in whatever way possible is the end goal I must keep in mind.  

  • Relationships have MOST DEFINITELY been affected by my insecurities.  Whose haven’t?  Where do those insecurities come from?  Well, quite honestly for me, it’s past relationships.  Again, remember, I AM THE WORRIER.  If something or someone seems just a teeny, tiny little bit off on any given day, I am SURE that something is wrong…I DID or SAID SOMETHING   wrong.  Seriously, not that the person could just have a bad day.  Nope, not at all.  I did something.  Well, in all seriousness. the mind… my mind that is, can be a DANGEROUS thing.  When in a relationship, trust is key.  Mutual respect and honor are HUGE.  THe problem lies in the fact that I have been burned ten times too many. 

I always find myself asking others… Are you okay?  Are you sure you’re alright?  Are we ok?  Ya, those questions can wear on a person.  Asking them 30 times after they’ve already assured you that everything is alright, isn’t going to work in my favor.  Taking a deep breath and relaxing may just do the trick.  I’m still working on it.

I’ve had relationships end for any number of reasons…dishonesty, lack of mutual respect/feelings, distance, different places in life… Each having ended has affected me in one way or another.  Try as I might, I swear I will not dwell in the past when it comes to relationships.  And I think I can do a very good job of that.  The problem here is that I was AFFECTED by these people and the course of our relationships.  Having been cheated on, trust becomes an issue. 

Having been in a relationship with someone that did not share feelings, communication and emotions become issues.  Having been in several relationships where I was NOT a priority adds a whole plethora of worry to the situation.  Each situation stirring very real emotions and feelings in their own right.  Trying NOT to let those issues of past relationships affect a newer relationship is CrAzY difficult.  Attempting to leave those past issues behind… where they BELONG… in the past is a bit more difficult than I care to admit at times. 

  • WORDS… or lack there of.  I have a HUGE tendency to read in to EVERYTHING.  From friends to family to relationships to co-workers.  Whether it is a look, a comment, a conversation or lack there of, I find myself looking into it way more than necessary.  While there are times that people can be elusive in there use of words and/or actions, but most often they are what they are.  There is not ALWAYS a deeper meaning or hidden representation.  Instead of taking someone at their word, I’ll question it to myself. QUestion the tone of a voice or the actions of another in a heartbeat.  Is that fair?  NOPE.  Most often it is not.  Someone says they miss you… take it for what it’s worth.  Someone says they’re tired…take it for what it’s worth.  Again, THERE ISN’T ALWAYS a more thorough explanation needed even if I think there is or should be.

 

  • Confidence:  Ya, this is a touchy subject as it is for many of us out there.  There are days you feel good about yourself and then others there is just no hope.  Being comfortable with appearance can be quite the challenge.  Learning to accept yourself for who you are and what you are, is so very important.  There have been others in the past that have caused me to doubt and lack acceptance of myself from head to toe.  I have a horrendous problem taking compliments from individuals from time to time.  Constantly putting yourself down to others is not going to leave the best impression.  Most people want to surround themselves with relatively positive people and showing that you’re uncomfortable within your own skin is going to put up a barrier.  Boo hooing about it is gonna do you no good.  Taking control of the situation will.  Finding someone who appreciates you for who you are as you are is incredibly important. 

My goal is to become overall, more confident in myself.  Talents, loves, family and the like will benefit exponentially better once you let go of some of the baggage and JUST BE. 

Trying not to second guess yourself and to be confident in YOUR choices is a great path to partake it.  NOT letting securities enter into the grand scheme of things will improve your outlook in more ways than you can imagine.  Staying positive and looking PAST insecurities will only allow you to better yourself…be more confident and feel comfortable within the little pocket of the Earth you inhabit. 

Letting go of insecurities is difficult.  It can be challenging.  The cool thing is that you have a choice here.  You can either dwell on the past OR choose to make a change.  Work on worrying less.  Work on finding your niche in the world.  Let your worries slip away.  Again, there is much you can’t control.  Getting rid of the insecurities is an ongoing process.  I can deal with that and accept that. 

I will not let my insecurities interfere with the letting go process.  Making a conscious effort to just be me.  Insecurities and all.  Pretty proud of where I am.  Looking ahead to where I’ll end up and who will be by my side in the end.

…the worrier…

Worry, worry, worry…

Yep, that’s me through and through.  Try as I may to NOT worry, I only end up worrying more.

It’s not that I enjoy worrying at all. In actuality I HATE it.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been a worrier…just ask those closest to me. Though I’ll worry about that too.

From the littlest, most insignificant of things to the largely uncontrollable.

If I make a phone call to a friend, significant other or family member and they don’t answer I worry…if they don’t return a call I worry.

Send a text and get no response….what do I do you may ask???? Yep, I worry.

Bringing up a “sensitive” subject I worry about the response or in some cases the lack there of.

I worry that those I love are upset or angry when often times there is no need. In my mind however, silence or delayed responses or again the lack there of fuels the worrying fire.

I worry that I’m letting people down or making them unhappy.

I worry that if I am happy, the other is not.

I worry that I said the wrong thing, didn’t say enough or even worse said too much…one would think I’d have learned to leave we’ll enough alone. But, instead, I worry.

I worry about what others say and think.

I worry that others don’t say or think.

I’ve worried that I’ll be alone.

I’ve worried about loves lost only to realize that nothing was lost.

I’ve worried about the possibility or lack there of.

If someone says everything is ok…why do I worry it is not?

I worry that my best isn’t that.
I worry that my mistakes can’t be corrected.
I worry in my dreams.
I worry.

I worry about expectations.

Worrying that mine are to0 high or not high enough.

I worry that I’ve hurt those closest to me.

I worry that some don’t agree with me.

I worry because the truth hurts.

Worry that I’ll become too close.

I worry that I’ll open myself to be hurt.

I worry that reality is far more different from my dreams.

I worry that my dreams will not become reality.

I worry that I waste too much time…

Worry…

I am just so good at it…

Can’t seem to control it… asking are you ok? Are we ok? What’s the matter when nothing needs to be said or done.

 Silence can be lethal for a worrier…. I’m just sayin’ is all.

Attempting not to let worry take over and consume me…leading to none other than more worrying.

Worrying about the need to stop worrying…

Worrying about things to be done.

Worrying that things won’t be done.

Worrying that those who mean the most won’t reciprocate…

Worrying that those won’t understand…

Worry about the future and possibilities it holds.

Wheels keep pushing worry through…

Worrying what all this worrying is about…

Letting go of the worry… it should be EASY shouldn’t it.

If it’s meant to be easy it will be…

Leaving the worries in the hands of the One who is in control…